I am sorry it has taken me so long to get the courage to write this. My journey in life as a mother had taken me down a path I, at times don’t want to except.
In May we had to make a life changing decision. We had to decide to put Jacob in a facility where he gets 24 hour care. I went through a morning faze, because we were living four and a half hours away. Then we moved close to him and even though I try to see him often I still feel guilty he isn’t living with us. This is very hard getting use to. “I honestly don’t think I will ever get use to someone else waking him up or getting him ready for bed” I know lots of people might think, “aren’t you glad to have a break?” I just really don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like you are living in a dream, and you have no control over it.
There are good days where he still at times will smile or laugh. But, it’s just not the same. I want my baby back, who couldn’t hold up his head and nursed all the time. When he laughed out load and uses his Tobii. I know I have made bad mistakes but, I hope I gave him some good.
I need to close on a happy note, I hate not having a happy ending. Even though he lives four miles up the road and I feel like dying every time I leave him, I know he needs me and that when Rose and I sing to him he must feel some love. And I know without a doubt that his Heavenly Father will take him by the hand, very soon and walk him down a new journey one that will never end with nothing but joy and endless food which he will then will cook as the worlds best chef.